Liian vahva

Kun on liian pitkään ollut liian vahva, kantanut liian paljon vastuuta ihan kaikesta - myös toisten puolesta, ja on lopulta tunnistanut sen ja katellut sitä toimintamallia jonka on jostain mukaansa napannut, uskaltanut hellittää otettaan siitä, antanut paranemisprosessin käynnistyä, alkanut pikkusen luottamaan elämään. On sitä pitänyt pitkä ja mutkainen tie kulkea päästäkseen tähän pisteeseen, jossa pystyy myötätunnolla katsomaan taaksepäin ja toteamaan että ehkä kaikki on sittenkin ollut tarpeellista. Tässä teksti joka sai vielä jotain avautumaan, mörköjä kömpimään esiin piilostaan:

The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response. Your "I don't need anyone, I'll just do it all myself" conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you. From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart. From the friendships and family who always took more than they ever gave. From all the situations when someone told you "we're in this together" or "I got you" then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when shit got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals. You learned along the way that you just couldn't really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point. Extreme-indepence is. a. trust. issue. You learnt: if I don't put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won't have to be disappointed when they don't show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will always drop the ball eventually right? You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-indepence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak. So, you don't trust anyone. And you don't trust yourseslf, either, to choose people. To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. "Never again", you vow. But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted to be, in truth it's your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall. Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either. Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming. It's a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed. You are worthy of having support. You are worthy of having true partnership. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of having your heart held. You are worthy to be adored. You are worthy to be cherished. You are worthy to have someone say "You rest. I got this", and actually deliver on that promise. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy to receive. You are worthy. You don't have to earn it. You don't have to prove it. You don't have to bargain for it. You don't have to beg for it. You are worthy. WORTHY. Simply because you exist.

~Jamila White

Kiitos kiitos kiitos!

Hyvää Lucian päivää, keskitalven valon juhlaa! "Pimeys on valon ydin. Kuten taolaisessa yin-yang-symbolissa, valkoisen keskellä on pisara mustaa ja päinvastoin. Pimeydessä valo erottuu parhaiten." (fb: jooginen joulukalenteri)